All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
I'm not entirely sure what we did is legal in the U.S., but I know that couple wont be the same
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
Yeah, the email that I was sending to get an Escort for the weekend, copied and pasted to my boss, that should be interesting conversation, when I come back from Christmas vacation break.
the good news is that even if it's Alex's, I can still say it's Colin's, because the kid will come out ginger anyway!
who knew there'd be a plus side to your ginger fetish one day?
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
Had a very good bday. Have the teeth marks and bruises to prove it
Randomize
