Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
How do you know one of your one night stands hasn't produced a child? You may have hundreds of kids.
Pretty sure I don't. One night stands are purely anal..no exceptions.
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
umm, I just masturbated to old Justin timberlake on MTV jams. in need of dick ASAP
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
I woke wondering who the hell was in my bed. Then i felt boobs and remembered Haha. Thirsty Thursday killed my liver and my homosexuality
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
Randomize
