did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
i just wasnt prepared to have the baby of one of two french firemen. threesomes are too confusing.
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
Or I could just give you a blow job and make it up to you.
No, that's okay. Don't worry about it.
Going once.....twice.........sold to the girl who didn't really wanna do it anyway.
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
all I know is that I was naked, and there were cheeto puffs everywhere...
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
Randomize
