can you wear a superman outfit if we ever have sex?
I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
Chick in class has 69 tattooed on the back of her neck. Target acquired.
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
Do they make liter beers?
They make 40s
Do they make 2 liter beers
They make 2 40s
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
Randomize
