I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
the last thing i remember is you screaming lets hunt humans.
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
threw up outside of the dorms in the parking lot in the pouring rain on the first day of class, i'd say summer is off to a good start.
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
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