I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM.
Just remember that she is a giant dick-sucking forehead and you are better than that.
No it was after you showed us his fraternaty letters shaven out of your pubes
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
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