I will die if light touches me.
Just found out that wake n bake is not one of the 7 habits of highly effective people..
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
is it just me, or are high schoolers getting sexier?
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
I blew him while watching the aristocats. There were singing cats in the background. I think he he hummed along at one point.
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
I think I've had more sex in your bed than you have and I've only been here three days
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
Randomize
