Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
just had sex with a midget and didnt wrap it... were totally gonna have a tv show :)
all adderall does is make me the grand champion of using wikipedia.
you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
The lack of respect you have for your penis baffles me. I'd rather rub my ball sack on public toilet seats than stick my dick in some of those girls.
A simple 'no' would have sufficed
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
We learned many a lesson today about drug use in canoes
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
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