...so i touched it.
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
she asked me if i can do her a favor, came over, and gave me head then left. i still dont understand how that was a favor for her.
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
ttyl tear gas
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
I'm about to play another round of who's panties are in my car.
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
Randomize
