So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
ID DO HER
SHE HAS LUMPS OF DEODORANT IN HER ARMPIT, I THINK ONE FELL IN YOUR DRINK
almost passed out on the way to class today.. laid down in a construction site. bad idea
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
We role played last night. I was Brandon Inge and she was some slut from Toledo. Let's just say Triple A might not be so disappointing after all.
No. My vagina is not the scapegoat for your poor decisions.
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
At 10 PM you were shit faced in the kitchen makin nachos... Naked. I wasn't sure what to do besides walk away...
I need more 20 something year old penis in my life
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