If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
So I have the professor convinced that the textbook will take another week to deliver. that should give me enough time to replace the cash i spent on strippers.
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
I had no plans to sleep with him, but he had to stay because of the snow. I always say, don't look a gift storm in the mouth.
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
I need to get laid. Right now that freshman frat pledge & my Econ professor are the leading candidates
That’s quite a spread
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