Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
your dick doesn't do me any good in arizona
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
Home. Hour long discussion with mom. Very frightened. Eating a sausage. Don't remember making it. Confused.
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
Taking a walk while tripping face during Halloween time was a bad idea. I started crying bc I was so scared and hide in the parks playground.
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