I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
he came during what was supposed to be the foreplay blowjob. there goes my evening.
She was nothing like her profile said, we had nothing in common, and her picture mustve been like 30 pounds ago. But yeah we hooked up
Ur dad just showed me a tit pic he got omf
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
Randomize
