dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
If God had a period, it would result in diet faygo redpop
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
just had a flashback of you pouring champagne into my mouth from someones balcony..
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
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