i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
you wouldnt answer to anything but devil's advocate all night.
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
Boys DO look like their dicks. Its like dogs.
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
you made the house rule that every time you'd say "yay" everyone had to drink.
that explains so much
Randomize
