He bought me ice cream and then I gave him a bj
I think that's fair trade off
I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
Going to have to start putting down newspaper if puking the bed is going to be a habit
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
Will that be creepy to wake him up at midnight with my tongue all over his body??
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize
