my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
Sleeping with random people is the same as soul searching, right? Ps that wasn't a team name suggestion.
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
But we made up last night and had unbelievably crazy sex tonight. I legit went blind for like 15mins from him choking me. It was awesome
you ate an entire watermelon by using a CD as a spoon, then proceeded to chuck the leftovers at some dudes car...
beggars cant be choosers....im desperate and he has a dick. he checks all the boxes.
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
Randomize