Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
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