ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
I think it's time we have the "weird fetish" talk.
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
Your pictures have evolved a lot over the years but I think your angry dick pic phase was one of my favorites
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
He adjusted my bra straps while I blew him.
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
Hmm should I take my nipple rings out before my sisters wedding/family vacation in Puerto Rico where I will be with my mother 24hrs a day for four days wearing a bathing suit seemingly the entire time? Or should I just risk it and not hug anyone.
Risk it. Keep the titties tough.
Randomize
