we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
Exactly how low is masturbating to your cute professor's lecture videos?
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
I don't know what you drank last night but you really enjoyed the 4 egg body shots.
Is it rude if I ask the current tenets of our future apartment if I can come and blackout for a night? I want stupendously drunk me to get a feel for the place so he's comfortable when we move in.
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
I was trying to be an adult about it and simply deal with the situation, but a bowl seemed much more comforting.
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
God I hope my hair dresser doesn't realize that all these hairspiration pictures are from gay porn blogs on tumblr.
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
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