My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
It all started with sending him a text about Spongebob. It escalated from there.
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
Randomize
