I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
you puked in the bathtub and said "let them pee"
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
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