Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
Well the police had to intervene and I couldn't exactly feel my legs by the end of the night, but I'd say it was a successful Friday night.
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
I can't help the fact that i'm turned on by white boys that look like Jesus
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
I made a nest in his bed. I'm not leaving
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
Do you knowhow much it sucks to puke in an automatic toilet? Not fun.
Ew.
It takes talent let's just say that
Randomize
