carls jr on main st. japanese tourist taking a dump in the urinal. reading a japanese newspaper and wearing a full suit.
be there in 3 mins
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
well he's currently spooning the coffee table
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
Put down the Captain Crunch and get over here. It’s a dickfest!!
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