Things overheard in WeHo: "Just drink a corona and eat some ass, you won't be hungry anymore"
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
summer in europe = liver of steel
I accept that challenge.
when you shit yourself on the way to school its time to give up and go home
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
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