if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
And just as he was about to come, he screamed "Oh Christy!!"
What's wrong with that? Your name IS christy.
He then said, "Oh shit, sorry Julie."
The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
When you're about to leave, tell him "bye." At that point, he should say something. If he doesn't say anything, well, our drinks were free and he gets a free make out with yours truly.
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
OUR DIABOLICAL SLUT PLAN HATH COMMENCED!
Omg one of the midgets from last night just added me to Facebook.
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
Randomize
