Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
Stop blaming waffle house for all your problems
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
I'm in a bed full of sand, and also just took my contacts out. Whatever happened yesterday was great, I think.
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
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