started to yawn and threw up hamburger helper instead. awesome night.
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
He met a random girl on the bus home and decided to go to Spain with her. The blackout decisions are becoming internationally epic. He has work in the morning.
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
It's getting increasingly easier to use his emotional instability to my advantage. That's about all he has going for him right now.
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
He showed up completely drunk with a 30 of PBR and ten cans of Spam. I like this kid.
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