If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
his semen tasted like maple syrup. no wonder fat girls always wanna fuck him.
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
Had sex with one of the guys from Ireland. Celebrating st pattys early.
Romantically speaking, I want to sit on his face.
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
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