my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
Black out Jordan is making huge strides. I didn't even pee on anyone or anything last night.
I have to confess something, I may or may not have knocked on your window at 2:30 am while balancing on some guys hands. We found tequila.
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
No one should ever be so high that they forget the food. That's just...its a violation of God and Nature, of the very laws that we live by!
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
Does she know she is talking to people who slam shots of fireball and chase it with vodka?
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
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