Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
She is my favorite of all the girls you have fucked. Other than me.
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
Everything was yummy and fruit flavored and five alive and happymeas.
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
If we accept the love we think we deserve do we also accept the sex we think we deserve?
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
I am drunk and aggressive about the olympixs
It's spelled Olympics
Randomize