The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
Apparently you can talk a girl into leaving the bar and coming back to your tent, who knew?
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
I put a zucchini in my pussy for you
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
the funny thing was, all i remember was a liter of vodka and going to oneonta for the night. then 2 weeks later bam, i get a letter banning me from campus for the next 4 years. awesome convorsation with my dad to wake up to.
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
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