god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
So, I just sold my textbook to have money for Plan B.
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
Mom said you looked used
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
We have a pile of chopped wood here that suggests we may have chopped down a tree of some sort.
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
My liver is preforming stress tests.
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
