Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
You guys tried to boil water to fill up the empty hot tub. After the fourth trip back with the kettle you gave up.
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
Randomize
