I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
They're donating plasma together for extra money. Couple of the fucking century.
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
I feel like that's something that he should've asked me over dinner..... instead of with his hand down my pants? maybe not
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
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