I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
just an fyi, false alarm on the whole ghonnorea thing. you're safe.
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
Randomize
