Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
Fair warning.. porn on your laptop when you turn it on.. seemed like a wonderful idea last night.. until it died
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
I'm not sure if it was sex or spear fishing. He goes in for it like he's crash landing a rocket
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
Randomize
