I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
Did you just see the Batmobile???
Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
BEER BONG IN THE STOCKROOM COME IN TO WORK TODAY
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
There's no time frame.
For drinking wine out of the bottle and taking nyquil at 9 AM? There probably should be.
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
Just slather his penis with BBQ sauce
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
Randomize