Oh and discovery of the day is it's the channel, not the time on your cable box. Thought it was 2:16 for 4 hours
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
And he's in a frat. Everyone in a frat is gay. It's science.
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
What does "mood AF" mean?
Mood as fuck.
Why did you comment that on a video of a gorilla throwing its own shit?
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