I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
just shaved my legs at the gas station bathroom before going to the club. is that too ghetto?
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
On the shuttle bus from the Casino the driver refused to take us to the strip club so you said "let me off this bus or ill puke on you".
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
Randomize