Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
Would jacking off with Benadryl cream be good or bad for the poison oak on my dick?
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
Were we still high when we decided to break your leg?
Randomize
