Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
Half of elefante. Gelafin galaxy
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
Good luck. While you're suffocating on a dick, I'll be eating pizza rolls. Being a good girl.
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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