that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
He got completely naked and is now just standee there next to my bed poking at my hamster. Why can't I get sex the normal way.
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
i'm not so sure everythign we did last night was legal...
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