Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
2020 sucks, I want a refund
Randomize
