I actually kind of like the booze poos. It's like a colon cleanse. I feel skinnier.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
I love watching the kids I sold drugs to score touchdowns
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
I'm so sick
I would imagine. You did most of your drinking for brazil last night.
That and I think I got food poisoning from sharing nachos with that homeless guy..
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
It was just a Craigslist hook up but she wore sweats. Where are the girls with class?
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize