I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
I took an adderall but just ended up meticulously arranging my farmville for hours
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
All three of us got laid last night. This is what is commonly referred to as the Trifuckta.
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
My penis has like 3 people bidding on it
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
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