there should be a rule- if you jizz on it, you wash it
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
As sure as my left ball is bigger then my right. We will have our moment.
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
Randomize
