walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
dude are you gonna smoke tonight? my day was shit and I wanna get high
worker bees can leave....even drones can fly away....the queen is their slave
nevermind....I'm on the way
he thinks im joking when i say don't visit. i mean it's summer...he was the college fuck and now it's time for the summer fuck
WHATEVER CLASS IS PLAYING "TOOT IT AND BOOT IT" AT 8:30 IN THE MORNING, I WANT IN.
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
Yea he was still drunk. He wore a Toga to his job interview.
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