we went to that german restaurant and drank out of the boots. Then I threw up into one
while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
Ps. I feel like I may pee myself this weekend. Either drunkenly or out of excitement. Toss up
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
Anal and Aoki tickets...I'd say I give pretty good Valentines Day gifts.
Based on the time of Sean's "I'm on your street" phone call last night, we had sex for an hour and a half. Man, time flies when you're getting boned to an orgasmic death.
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics â¤ï¸
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
Randomize
