I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
Do not shit in our house. There is no TP. I am walking to get more, if I do not return, I have probably died of dysentery after my last wagon wheel got stuck in a gulch. Tell Martha and Lou Ann that I love them, and that I passed away doing the Lord's work.
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
He's smoked my weed, stolen my cigarettes, and used my campus cash, but I try to initiate sex and NOWWW he's all "As your RA, that's a line I can't cross"
Man, I miss taking bong rips in my room. Now they are bringing dogs around so all my stuff is hidden in random places up in the woods. I literaly have to hunt and gather just to get high.
Randomize
