it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
I take it that, because we are not guzzling a box of franzia, everything went alright?
I rocked my own world, he was just a prop.
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
Because 9 pm Thursday you drink a loco cause you just wanna get drunk and have a good time with your friends. Then you wake up on Tuesday and you've had 17 locos and you're pregnant, lying on the side of the road, 3 states over. THAT'S why we don't have only locos parties.
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
Well, not only did I find out the Top Knight has roof access, I also let a guy I just met eat me out on the roof. Seems like a lot of wins if you ask me.
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