If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
I love having hate sex.
She's dressed as a slutty Dalmatian. I doubt she has morals.
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
I got so high that I ate a protein bar while in the shower. I then proceeded to leave half the protein bar and the wrapper on the ledge in my shower. Haha oh well.
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
i now understand why vodka
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
Randomize