Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
Just whatever you do please don't lick his face again.
I went back to the party but by then they were all sitting on the floor in the dark listening to we are the champions on full blast.
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
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