I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
Pretty sure that Albanian broad gave me something last night. Now we play the waiting game.
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
After we fucked he shhhh'd me and said your welcome
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
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