Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
I see an opportunity for you to use your nakedness to cure my boredom.
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
Ps there is nothing more humbling in the world than havin to watch cheaper by the dozen on the waiting room tv while getting the morning after pill at the drs. Nothing
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
someone commented on last weekends photos impressed that so many homeless people wanted to take pictures with us. weird that those "homeless people" are our friends... right?
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
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