I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
Chapter 6 - how to lose your underwear in chicago
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
I didn't think four grown drunk men could cuddle on a twin size bed, but we found a way.
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
We dated for a month and a half. he didn't like blow jobs. I honestly don't think he was human.
He's such a neat freak that he started making the bed while I was still laying on it naked. He succeed in case you were wondering.
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
congratulations on joining the accidental bisexual club
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