That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
i dont even mind you always shaving my pubes when i pass out, i'm starting to find it liberating.
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
Sweet and genuine is kinda lame. I'm more of a bust all over your face and hair kinda guy.
Uhm the hair is off limits bro, conditioner can only go so far.
Bro? You just made it a target.
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
U thinks that's bad? He told me that he had to envision high school wrestling in order to bust a nut with some girl
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
who is the naked dude on the coffee table
thats jeff, jeff is nice so don't be rude
Damn that brownie almost kicked my ass. I'm not sure if my flight home lasted 10 minutes or 10 days..
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Next time we do shrooms i am finding an open field at sunrise and running through it and nobody is stopping me this time!
Randomize
