I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
I just filled out my 2010 Census drunkenly. I'm single handedly throwing it off.
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
my only goal for the semester is never go to my wednesday class sober
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
the fact that I've been his fuck buddy for a year, and I'm pregnant isn't bothering me. the fact that he didn't tell me about his girlfriend does.
Howd last night go?
well he stumbled in my parents door drunk and then asked my mom if she was my grandma. Id say as far as first impressions go, he failed miserably
Randomize
