i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
Our teacher totally just got outed in class by a speaker from some lesbian cooperative house
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
I will give you all my nachos to make this happen
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
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