i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
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