i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
My penis has like 3 people bidding on it
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
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