I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
apparently i walked around all last night forcing people to beer bong whatever drink was in their hand. so far this morning ive had three people refer to me as beer bong man
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
Randomize
