I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
I wish i could tell a story about guys I know without the phrase "and then I blew him." coming up.
my whole body is tingling just thinking about the orgasm hes going to give me
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
my vagradar is going off.. it smells a soldier
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
this temple that is my body is starting to crumble and turn into ruins
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
On the flip side, we did almost have sex wearing a gorilla mask and deer antlers.............
Profesor just winked at me. This class might be easier than I thought
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