Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
theres a kid face down in the middle of campus... people are going about their day and paying no attention to him
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
You can be responsible and still be on that ho life
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
like sometimes I wish I was allergic to latex so I wouldn't have sex with so many people..
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Randomize
