If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
I just single handedly caused ferngully by printing the wrong 900 page document
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
We're past the whole "Did she just try to finger my ass?" Stage. Now it's encouraged.
I just had a 30 minute conversation about hummingbirds. That high.
I miss high conversations.
Swinging. Is. Amazing.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
wheres my face? and why is my pocket so big?
Randomize
