last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
No, I don't think Michelle is a squirter. And if I've had anal sex, the Obamas have.
Sunburnt clitoris. How do I deal with it.
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
Is the Chairman of the College Republicans throwing upon your toilet right now? 'Murica!
Just check with her if girls can get blown, that's all.
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
Self reach around competition is what the Olympics has been missing all along. A true test of athleticism.
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
We dont have cups... so were doing shots out of bowls like puppies
Randomize