this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
Made out with me girlfriend while she was peeing. all time high, or all time low?
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
Idk what else to talk about besides you paying for half of my vaginaplasty.
They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends.
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
So somebody asked her is she's okay.She turned around,started running and screamed "Ballet is running through my veins" before doing a small pirouette.It's amazing how she managed not to fall.
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
he congratulated me on my ability to grow long hair after pulling it to see if i had extensions
went to their party, left halfway through to fuck a pledge, came back to keep drinking. I think everyone won.
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
Randomize
