Come back if u want to. I'll do some dirty shit to u mamacita.
I can text with my tongue
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
I have realized now that neither the top nor bottom of a bunk bed is safe for sex....
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
I've never had goosebumps on my dick before. It was definitely not a bad feeling.
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
We could get her a gift basket of Xanax l
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
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