i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
If she's not going to maintain the upkeep of her vag then I'm not going to pay the rent of being her boyfriend
Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
Well, I want to see you regardless of whether or not you will lick whipped cream off my body.
I can officially say I had a blunt rolled on my ass
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
I sense naked hashbrown eating in my near future.
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
MY TITS JUST CAUSED A CAR ACCIDENT ON THE HIGHWAY! i kid you not!! i thinl the giy is actually dead
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