between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
She stumbled in with some guy, woke me up, introduced him and said "This is my sister. She's a freshman. She probably hates you."
the whole story woulnd't be so depressing if i had made out with ANYONE but the piano player.
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
Its the least I can do really, I mean, I did sleep with her husband...
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
Randomize
