god I hate her. why can't she just fuck and leave like a normal slut.
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
Also managed to rip my pants and set myself on fire. And oddly enough I'm still not ready to ask for 2010 back.
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
We just shotgunned beers for America
Is it love? I honestly haven't even thought about watching porn for over a week now, and haven't thought about fucking any strangers either. It's quite eerie.
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
him being a republican bothers me way more than his coke problem.
I may be bringing home two guys tonight. I'f they won't go for a double-team you can have the lanky one.
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
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