dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
We will have to stop frequently for food, stretching legs, interesting things on the side of the road, and sex. So you might as well eat.
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
Holy shit, I just successfully took and sent a boob pic AT MY DESK I have conquered an entire new level of skill.
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
I would eat the Denny's grand slam special out of my new probation officers b hole
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
Is it uncouth to masturbate the night before a gyno appointment?
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