remember facepaint boy? turns out it stains. aaaand i have it all over my face and neck.
Dude, don't freak out but the girl who stuck the hair brush in her ass is here. I can't look her in the eye!!
i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
yes you're required to wear a bikini its the snowpocalypse beach party
You're not required to sleep with every guy that spends $10 on you.
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
We learned a lot about one another. I showed him around the town I grew up in and he informed me that he has had a threesome and killed a cat
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
after further investigation i found out he's a little bit married..
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
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