Anddd after the worst sex of my life, he said.."do you mind taking off the condom, tying it up, and throwing it at the door?" Weird.
just passed a tour group on my way home. the guide actually said: 'and THAT kids is whats known as the walk of shame'
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
Randomize
