I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
Watching Supernatural does more for me sexually than the physical encounters with 90% of the men in my life.
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
i guess she just walked over ass naked and peed on his laptop. gonna call an over price on that drunk sex.
Drunk me bought a cell phone last week and began texting sober me. The conversation between the two is still on going.
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
Randomize
