well I can't set my house on fire every night
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
He has some good qualities. Beneath the layers of asshole and fat.
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
We glued Jenga blocks together, called it "magic blocks" and sold it to the stoners for $50 and a bottle of Henny
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
It's 4am & this guy is asleep with his junk still inside me..really rethinking my life
When the state fair security guard came to yell at her for having outside food and drink she threatened to kick him if he tried to stop her and then she proceeded to chug the whole bottle.
classic
I'm in the Sheetz parking lot waiting for dad to finish a drug deal.
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
No I feel the same as usual. Mopey with a chance of bitch fits.
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
Randomize
