I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
i kinda regret how quickly i gave it up to him, but i just wanted the regular fucking to begin soon. ah we made good memories.
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
We're on a cock hunt. Everything is fair game.
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
I think the name vodka for a girl is amazing
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
Randomize
