my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
you told everyone your name was brenda and you had the whole party chanting b-dawgg by the end of the night. successful.
he suggested i make a website called "cum on molly's face", to "start off my acting career"
Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
I think the cats may be lesbians. It could just be a two hour mutual bath but it sure looks like a 69.
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